7 Minutes in Heavan minus the Heavan
by Raidersrule76
Summary: Everyone's favorite evil butler is back! That's right, Torgo has returned and he wants revenge! How, you ask? Wait and see. Sequel to To Love and Die in El Paso, Texas.
1. Chapter the first!

RR76: Well, here it is. The sequel to To Love and Die in El Paso, Texas. This promises to be boringly predictable...not. Being written by me is enough to make it random and unpredictable. Enjoyness.

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Beast Boy strolled through the Tower, singing quietly to himself. "I hear the train a-comin', it's comin' round the bend..." He stopped. "Dude, why am I singing country music?" 

Just then the Mysterious Voice That Sounds Eerily Familiar (MVTEF) spoke to him. "Bea,st Boy, coul,d you t,urn into a c,ow for a mo,ment?"

"Why?" Beast Boy asked.

"Dram,atic iro,ny."

"Oh, okay." So Beast Boy turned into a cow and got zapped with a cattle prod and fell unconcious. HA!

* * *

Raven stood in her room, staring at her mirror. The sane one. The one that doesn't lead to her BRAIN. She picked up a beefsteak and transformed it into a knife. 

"I'm going home to Hell for a couple of days to visit my family. Love to you all, Raven," she typed on her computor using her free hand. She brought the knife to her throat and--ZAP--was hit in the back by a cattle prod. "Wow, normally I don't get hit by cattle prods until AFTER I get to Hell," she mused, and fell asleep.

* * *

Outside Starfire's room, odd screams could be heard. 

"SSSSSSSSTAAAAAAAAAARFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOBIN!"

"pant, pant...Okay Star, wanna go again?"

"Oh yes! (deep breath) RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIRRRREEE!"

The two panted some more, and the Mysterious Camera came inside to find them sitting on her bed holding hands and panting. "Oh, Robin, these contests where we scream each other's names as loud as we can are most entertaining, but they do cause me to grow tired and pant after a long period of time," Starfire said, fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. Which she was wearing. Durhey. What'd you think they were doing?

A gleam came into Robin's eye...or mask, I guess. "Wanna do something else that'll make us pant really hard?"

Starfire returned the look. "What did you have in mind, Robin?" she asked seductively.

Robin raised a videotape. "Richard Simmons workout tapes," he whispered huskily.

Starfire squealed with joy and then suddenly got zapped by a cattle prod. Robin opened his mouth to say something, but was hit by a cattle prod before he could say anything and fell unconcious.

* * *

Cyborg was busy making out with the T-Car, his one and only true love. "Oh, T-Baby, I love you. One day, after the wedding, I'll take you to Paris, and we'll go into our hotel room, and I'll lay you down on that big ol' bed and give you a nice coat of white paint, and then I'll wax your hubcaps, and polish your windshield, and--" Zap. Thud.

* * *

Carson walked down the hall of Titan's Tower, reading his favorate book, "How to Make People Suffer," when suddenly he bumped into someone. He looked up and saw Terra standing there, oddly enough, not dead. They stared deep into each other's eyes for a while, and then ZAP. The bug zapper caught something and it died. Then they got hit with cattle prods.

* * *

Beast Boy groaned and opened his eyes to find himself locked in a closet. To his left, Bob woke up, saw Beast Boy and said "Hiya Remmy. Say, do you like mopeds?" 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Beast Boy shouted.

"Yee,eeeeeeeeeeee,eeeeessss..." a quivery voice said slowly. Beast Boy looked up to see a TV. On this TV was...TORGO. In identical closets everywhere in the Tower, the other zapp-ys were waking up. And on identical TVs in each closet was...TORGO.

"I am TORgo," he said twitchily. "I take CAre of the place while the MASter is awAY. And now, I h,ave com,e to g,et my rev,en,ge on you for wha,t you did to the MASter! I h,ave put you e,ach in a room w,ith SOMEone you canNOT stand to be arOUND. For exAMPle, ROBin is trapped with Sla,de."

Robin looked to his left to see Slade sitting there, doing Slade-like things. Ahem.

"S,tarFIRE is trAPPed with BLACKfire!"

"Like, ohmigod, did you, like, see Courtney's outfit for the prom? It was, like, SO last week! Like, ohmigod!" Blackfire cheered. Starfire's face fell and she started looking at her Robin tatoos. All 145 of them.

"CYborg is wi,th GizMO!"

"Ah, cram it ya crud licking barf eater!" Gizmo shouted.

"RAven is trapped with...um...KITTEN!"

"HA!" Raven shouted. "STARFIRE is the one who hates Kitten, not me! So HA!"

"Ha,hahah,ahahaha, wait and SEE, RAven," Torgo said cryptically.

"As for CArsON, well..."

Carson lay sleeping, dreaming of stabbing and shooting people, when he was suddenly awoken by a bucket of cold water. He coughed, choked, coughed some more, and looked up to see Terra holding a bucket of water. "It's about time, I thought I'd have to douse you with the gasoline and set you on fire to wake you up. You know." Her head grew 30 times and shouted "LIKE YOU DID TO ME? REMEMBER? NAPALM?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Carson shouted dramatically.

Yes, for many, many chapters, tensions will mount, tempers will rise, passions will flare, and so on and so forth. Just wait and see what the resolution is. Buahahahahahahahahaha!

Will the Titans escape from Torgo's devious trap? Will the Master escape from the ass of Mr. Slave? Will Torgo conquer the Earth using the army of the Holy Empire of Bunchacrunch? Stay tuned! Or I'll, like, I dunno, do stuff. What kind of stuff? Just...stuff. I'll...I'll...make you sit through a pep rally at my new high school that I will be attending next year! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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There. Now. Review. Please. I want. You. To. Review. Now. People. Stop. Reading. And. Friggin. Review. Now. Go. Hurry. Bitches... 


	2. Chapter the second!

RR76: Come on. 3 reviews people? We can do better than that...ah, I'm a bitter, angry person. 'Scuse me.

**Responses:**

**SaintH: Happy boithday man. Torgo is a popular fellow, isn't he?**

**EMBER91: Nope. Sequel. Durhey.**

**kmutt: Haha, wait and see my friend, wait and see...you still waiting? Good. Now wait. Wait...now stop! Now breathe! Breathe! Now stop! Now sing the national anthem of Canada! Now stop! Now BREATHE!**

**Don't own, don't sue.**

**This chapter brought to you by boredom and lack of anything to do where I live. Be happy!**

* * *

The TV shut off and Robin sat down. _Trapped in a room with Slade for God-knows-how-long? _he thought bitterly. _Man, that sucks. _They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Slade cleared his throat. "So...Robin...been keeping busy?" 

"Um...yeah," said Robin.

"What've you been up to?"

"Oh, you know...stuff..."

"Ah, yes...stuff..."

They fell silent. Then Robin piped up. "...How have things been without me?"

Slade sniffled. "It's not the same. Too quiet. It's so lonely...I mean, here I am with this giant factory of doom, gears as far as the eye can see, and I have nobody to beat and abuse! I close my eye, and I see you. You are always on my mind Robin."

This pushed Robin to tears. "I know. I look at the bruises all over my body, and the emotional scars you left, and I..." he broke down.

Slade took him in his arms and proceeded to press down on a pressure point on Robin's wrist, causing him intense amounts of pain. "Shh, shh...is that better Robin?"

Robin howled in intense pain. "Yes...Oh Slade, I never stopped hating you! Please, take me back!"

"Oh Robin...I hate you too!"

"Slade, I utterly loathe you. I want to take your neck in my hands and strangle you till your face turns purple and your brain shrivels into a prune!" Robin sobbed.

"I want to take a mallet and bash your skull in, and eat your brain!" Slade bawled, grabbing his other wrist and pressing down. Robin shouted in agony.

"Slade...oh Slade...S-s-s-SLAAAAADE! Stop, it hurts so bad, it hurts...oh, Slade, I hate you!" Robin said lovingly. "I swear by all that is right in the world, I will see you in jail!"

"I'll kill you before that happens Robin!" Slade cried, tears rolling down his mask. He let go of his wrists and grabbed his staff, beating Robin over the head with it.

"Slade, I hate you! Stop! Stop!" Robin said emotionally.

**...Right. That's creepy. How bout we check in on BB and Bob, hmm?  
**

* * *

"Dude, shut up already!" 

"That's super Todd. Say, have you seen my Supreme Creator?"

"Cyborg ATE your Supreme Creator, dipwad!"

"That's great Howie! I'll be in the back!"

"For the last time, I AM NOT HOWIE LONG!"

"I like you Marcus. I'll be in the back!"

"THIS IS THE BACK!"

"That's great Lyle!"

"Dude, I hate you!"

"Good job Clifford!"

"AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"Want a sandwich Lester?"

**Okay then. How are things with Cyborg and Gizmo? Let's see...**

Cyborg was sleeping and using Gizmo as a teddy bear. Gizmo, meanwhile, was struggling to get out of the metal man's vice grip. "Leggo, ya scrum buffin' hunk of barf!"

"No, Mr. Biggles, no salad for you. It's people food..." Cyborg muttered, yawning.

"I'm not a cat scuzball!"

"...bad Mr. Biggles...no soup for you..."

"What? No, don't take away my chicken and stars! I'll do anything!" Gizmo bawled.

"Really?" Cyborg said brightly, waking up in a hurry. "Do the Robot!"

"What? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" Gizmo said, turning green.

Cyborg smacked him over the head. "Not that, perv, do the ROBOT. The dance!"

"I ain't gonna get it on with you, scrungelicker!"

Cyborg smacked his forehead and went back to sleep, muttering about perverted bald ten-year-olds, or however old Gizmo is...

**Interesting...lesse how it's going with Carson and Terra now.**

Carson and Terra sat against opposite sides of the closet, staring at each other evily. Terra broke the silence: "So, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Carson replied. He took out a notecard and a pair of reading glasses and cleared his throat. "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought for upon this land a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to--"

Terra levitated a rock at his head. "Not that, idiot! Apologize for murdering me!"

"Gee, lemme think...no!" Carson snapped.

"You burned me to death! Do you know how much that hurts? Well, do you?"

"Aw, shut up!" Carson groaned, and shot Terra in the head. She instantly came back to life. "What the hell? You just killed me!" she yelled.

"As I have before, and more than likely will again in the future!" Carson replied, polishing the revolver.

"Try it, I dare you!" Terra threataned.

"Okay!" Carson threw his knife at Terra, hitting her right through the heart. She once again came back to life. "You did it again!"

"And again!" Carson said happily, drawing his sword and decapitating the bitch stick. She grew a new head almost instantly. "Dammit, stop it!"

"Never!" He impaled her on a pike. She came back, and Carson drove a spike through her head. It goes on like that for a while. Then Terra got up and started screaming at him.

"It gets old after a while, you know! I mean, come on Carson, do you know how many times you've killed me?"

"Well, let's see...there was the time in Pre Teen Titans when I shot you...and in Slade's New Apprentice where I killed you and put your head on a pike...and then in To Love and Die in El Paso, Texas, where I attatched a bomb to your face and blew you to pieces...and then the time when..."

**Preview for next chapter...**

**...um, actually...no. No preview. Bye!  
**

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RR76: Please review now kindly. Or become as beefsteak. 


	3. Of Zonsphars and San Diego Chickens

RR76: If anyone remembers this story, I'm updating it. So yeah.

**Responses:**

**SaintH: Haha, yeah, I thought that'd be good. **

**Raven the Black Rose: INSANITY 4 EVER!**

**im in a kill people mood: Baaaaaaaaaad things will happen to Terra, just wait...muahaha.**

**EMBER91: BREATHE DAMMIT!  
**

**Yeah, and I still don't own anything, except Carson, blah blah blah...and I don't own the San Diego chicken. Or the bit in which he is incorperated into...or something.**

**NOTE: During the course of this chapter, the question may arise: What is a zonsphar? Well, suffice to say...I'm not telling. **

* * *

In the wonderful land of the Room that Raven and Kitten Were In... 

"I'm bored," said Raven.

"I'm Kitten! Hi Bored!" said Kitten.

"No, you're Dumbass," said Raven, rolling her eyes.

"I am? Okay! I'm Dumbass!" squealed Kitten.

"Ugh..." ughed Raven. The two sat in silence for a while.

"Soooooooooo...your real name is Raven, right?" asked Dumbass carefully.

Raven gave her a look. "Um, DUH."

"And...that's a kind of bird, right?"

"Um, DUH."

"A robin is a kind of bird too."

"Is this going anywhere?"

"And Robin's named robin, right?"

"Okay, is this going where I think it's going?"

"So you both're named after birds, right?"

"If you finish that analysis, I will murder you."

"...So that means you both lay eggs, right?"

"Well, I'm not sure about Robin, but I--hey!"

"I'm just asking! You don't need to--um, why are you looking at my like that? Why do you suddenly have four glowing red eyes? Why are black tendrils coming out of your cloak? Why are they slowly wrapping around my ne--ack."

* * *

With Starfire and Blackfire... 

"So Starfire, just how far have you gotten with Robin?" asked Blackfire as she wrung the neck of a small fluffy beefsteak (...).

"What do you mean, dearest sister?" Starfire replied as she sharpened her machete menacingly.

"Well, you know, what exactly have you done with him? Come on, details sis!" Blackfire pressed, whipping out a notepad and pencil eagerly.

Starfire put down the machete and thought carefully. "Hmmmm...well, I hugged him once in Revolution...and I punched him playfully in Stranded...we hugged later on...and then we hugged in The End part 2...and...I guess that's it."

Blackfire's expression drooped. "So, you haven't gotten any farther than that?"

"Ummmm...nope."

"Not even hand-holding? Which generally comes before hugging, come to think of it."

"...No."

"So you haven't even gotten him in bed?"

Starfire turned bright pink. "Sister!"

"Well, I'm just saying, four straight seasons, and not even a kiss! By the time I hit transformation--lame job going through it by the way--my zonsphar gotten some sweet lovin' at least eighty five times!"

Starfire's eyes glowed green. "That is because you are a whore!"

"Oh yeah?" Blackfire snapped. "I'm not the one who can't get Robin to jorphoblox her!"

Starfire gasped. "You...take...that...back!"

"Haha, I'll bet he won't even do your zonsphar!"

"That's it!" Starfire raised her machete. "You do NOT mention Robin's refusal to give attention to my zonsphar!"

* * *

Back with Carson and Terra... 

Carson lowered his shotgun and listened carefully. "You hear that?" Carson asked.

The bloody mess that was Terra suddenly congeled back into a flat chested hot pants wearing bitch stick that talks like it's the 70s and listened too. Faint cries of pain and the sound of starbolts and punches landing could be heard in the other room, as well as the sound of a machete whooshing through the air. "Yeah...sounds like Blackfire and Starfire. Ugh, Blackfire must have brought up Starfire's zonsphar..."

"Man, if Robin would just swallow his pride and give Starfire's zonsphar some loving..." sighed Carson, dropping his shotgun. "Honestly, if someone that hot wanted me that bad and all I had to do was pay attention to her zonsphar, hell, I'd be all over it. I guess Robin's just..." he searched his mind for a word.

"Stupid? Annoyingly self-rightious? A closet homo?"

"All of the above," Carson said with a laugh. He sighed once more (with feeling!). "I hate this. This is worse than the time I went to the Charger/Raider game."

* * *

Carson sat in Cannon Alley at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, California. He laughed as Brew Drees threw his fourth interception. "Chargers SUCK!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. 

Unbeknowst to him, the "World Famous" San Diego Chicken (tm) was still performing. His righteous fury boiled over and he flew into the stands and puched Carson in the face. Carson got to his feet and punched back, hitting the Chicken in the beak. The Chicken growled and grabbed Carson, throwing him into the uprights. Carson looked up just in time to see the Chicken body slam him into the ground. Carson moaned and felt his stomach lurch as the Chicken grabbed him out of the dirt and flung him onto the sidelines, spilling lemon-lime Gatorade all over him. Carson scrambled to his feet and blocked the next punch the Chicken threw, and drew his katana, swinging at the Chicken's neck. The Chicken ducked and kicked Carson's exposed stomach. Carson staggered backward and drew his revolver, firing wildly, and missing every shot. He threw the archaic weapon to the ground in disgust, and was suddenly hit in the head by something very fast moving and leathery. He looked down to see a football, and a plan formulated in his aching head.

The Chicken ran straight at him, roaring in primal fury. Carson reached down, picked up the football, drew back his arm and let it fly, straight into the hands of the Chicken. The Chicken looked at the ball, then looked up to see the Raiders defense rush out from the sidelines, straight at him. POW! Over a ton of combined muscle (and otherwise) fell on the Chicken, burying him in a sea of white away jerseys. Carson smiled weakly, turned and walked away. And from underneath the Raiders defense, a feathery wing balled into a fist...

* * *

"Come to think of it, Starfire's zonsphar isn't the prettiest thing on Earth, and she hasn't been the same since Mother Mae-Eye did that thing... 

Terra covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh, I heard about that. She put that thing up her zonsphar...I swear, if someone did the same to MY zonsphar..."

Carson rolled his eyes. "Please. You don't have a zonsphar."

"What? Of course I do!"

"The animators didn't GIVE you a zonsphar!" Carson yelled.

"What? They did too!" Terra snapped, feeling the area where her zonsphar would be. She gasped. "Oh...my...God...you're right. I have no zonsphar!"

"_I have no zonsphar!_" a voice sounding suspiciously like Terras repeated. Carson held up a tape recorder, grinning wickedly. "Ha. I got it all on tape."

"You give me that!" Terra fumed, reaching for the tape recorder that held her confession to her zonspharless status. Carson held it just out of her reach. In desperation, Terra drew back her leg and kicked him square in the groin, only to hit something hard and plastic. "I learned my lesson from Raven," Carson said. (see chapter 5 of Ascension for details) "I'm wearing a cup."

Terra gaped. "What? But that's--you--your--my--I--UGH! I HATE YOU!" she shouted.

"I hate you!" Carson shouted back. They stared at each other for a few seconds...and then threw their arms around each other and started kissing passionately. After a moment or so of this, Carson broke off. "We SO need to get out of here," he said shakily. Terra nodded her agreement.

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RR76: Don't hate me! Review please. 


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